Sometimes things really do start with a bang

Sometimes things really do start with a bang…BANG… a flashing pumpkin on the end of a pen greets me, followed by a giggle; all before I ever hear a word from my waitress. The pen had been whacked onto the table and through the joys of science has caused the smiling pumpkin on the end to light up and flash; nothing you’d expect out of a routine sit down at a restaurant, let alone your midafternoon trip to the local Chili’s on some Air Force base somewhere in Korea. The giggle belongs to Alyssa, my waitress, which is something of an oddity in itself seeing as there aren’t too many Korean girls named Alyssa; here you get names like So-Ri or Juen Li or even Hye Kwong; never Alyssa.

I won’t lie to you, this isn’t the first time I’ve been to Chili’s. When I first arrived and was holed up in the base hotel, I came here quite a bit. It’s right in the heart of the base, across from the BX and library, next to the movie theater and in front of the hotel; you really can’t miss it. I know how it is, when you hear someone you know is going to some far off place, you really hope they don’t spend all their time eating at McDonald’s and IHOP; or in this case Chili’s. It was a moment of weakness. I had actually just been off base surrounded by local restaurants, but had to come back on base to pull money out of the ATM which would then be taken back off base and given to the insurance company. It was time to get car insurance; my car has been sitting in Seoul for a week and it was probably time I went and got it; $500 FLYING out of my wallet. It’s a bit depressing, money FLYING out of my wallet here, money FLYING out of my wallet there. When will it end? Starting over can be expensive. My plan had just failed, there is a limit on how much you can withdraw in a day and I had just attempted to surpass that limit. I could certainly still go off base and eat, but what’s the point; screw it, I’ll just go to Chili’s. Instead of bo-kim-bop or bulgolgi, I’ll get a hamburger. And even though I’ve given up french fries, fries will come with the burger, I’ll eat a few, think they’re nasty, and regret the whole thing.

Then again do we ever really know what to expect?

BANG… pumpkin starts flashing, a giggle is heard and Alyssa appears. You can’t just let that go. You don’t whack your pen on a table, make it light up, laugh and then dispassionately ask for someone’s order. It’s not the laws of physics but it’s certainly the laws of sanity. Crazy people do that and I honestly think there aren’t too many crazy people in Korea; they’re all back in the states. Who knows maybe in Korean society crazy people are quietly “taken care of”. Perhaps they’re taken to the North. Alyssa tells me that she got her pen at the biggest amusement park in Korea and that it cost $6.00, that that’s too expensive, and then produces a skeleton pen. From the looks of it this one doesn’t light up.

This is all a bit sudden for me, a second ago I was worrying why my foot hurt, why my money keeps leaving me, and when I’m going to find time tomorrow to get back to the insurance place (and once again, give them a bunch of my money). In times like these the mind doesn’t work too fast. A pumpkin, a skeleton, hhhmmmm? “Do you have a witch pen?”…. That’s what I came up with it. If I had a moment to think I would have laughed pretty hard in my head. Witch pen? Who am I, Homer Simpson? But hey whether it’s a teaspoon or a tablesaw, you can still get started; you just have to have the heart.

Alyssa has been my waitress before and I suddenly remember the bubbliness that goes along with a Korean girl who adopts an American name while working at a chain restaurant on an Air Force base in Asia. And yes, in case you’re wondering, and come on, who are we kidding, of course you’re wondering; she is good looking. If she wasn’t there wouldn’t even be a story to tell, would there? If there was it would go something like this: unattractive waitress acts weird, I efficiently minimize all but the most necessary contact (something I can be quite good at), I eat my food, pay my bill and leave. Life sure isn’t fair and it never will be. I’ve long stopped worrying about that.

It’s not prime eating time; it’s probably around 4:00 and Chili’s would need to be twice as full to even be half full. All this means there is not a lot for a waitress to do, but you have to do something and Alyssa has chosen to talk to me. I learn she is a college student and this is her part-time job. She is studying to be an airline stewardess. As I think now, this should have seemed a bit odd. My brother Dan was an airline steward(ess) for a brief summer and he never did much studying. (I’ll someday have to tell you about the sweet, cheap tickets he got me to San Francisco the summer before last; before the flight home I had a sweet 21 hour stay at the San Francisco airport before saying “screw it” and buying a ticket home on another airline). In any event, Alyssa is studying Chinese, Japanese, and English. At this point Alyssa is doing most of the talking, which is OK because, like I said, she’s good looking. It does dawn on me that eventually I’m going to have to say something or else she’s going to leave which would be bad because, once again, she’s good looking.

As I think I’ve mentioned in a previous posting, one of the true guiding ideas in my life is “when in doubt, do nothing”. I got this from reading War and Peace while in the Peace Corps. Ahhh Joey and I had many a discussion on the simple beauty and effectiveness of those words. It doesn’t sound right, we Americans always want to go out and strangle all our problems, but maybe we got it wrong; after all doctors are told to “first do no harm” which isn’t all that far away from “when in doubt, do nothing”.

The situation I was in was one where this core belief wouldn’t do; I had to say something. “When in doubt, do nothing” not going to work, better move on to the next one. “When in doubt, do the obvious” or in this case, “when in doubt, say the obvious”. I’ve just been told she’s studying three different languages; one of them is English… “You speak very good English”. Can’t get more obvious than that; it’s not really even true, but it will buy me some time. “No, English is hard, I don’t have a tutor”. Holy shit, it did work, the opening is now there. Oh no, danger. The other waitstaff are giving her looks; we’ve both noticed them, she’s going to have to go. This is a bit of a problem because I’m done eating and now is the time in the sequence where the diner gets the check and leaves; of course I have to actually get the check in order for this to occur.

Alyssa is not coming over for conversations, but is quite frequently coming by, collecting my glasses and refilling them. This goes on for quite awhile which is a bit odd. It’s obvious I’m done, the basket is mostly empty (except for the nasty fries, why in the hell did I get them?), my napkins are crumpled up and thrown on top; classic bring-me-the-check signs; except she seems to be refusing to bring the check and somehow justifying this with refill after refill after refill. I’m actually OK with this, it’s quite obvious to me the decision has been made; there is a reason I continue to sit here. There is one slight problem. My usual beverage order consists of a glass of water and a sprite. Here at Chili’s, like so many other places, they put lemon in the water. This bothers me on some level, I actually like the taste of water; the fruit kind of ruins it for me. I solve the problem by transferring the lemon to my sprite; it’s a lemon-lime soda and thus a perfect compliment. The problem is, as Alyssa quickly passes by and swoops up my half-full glasses, there is no time to tell here what I’ve done and thus I get water in my Sprite and Sprite in my water.

Look at me, sitting here (have been sitting here) drinking varying degrees of watered down soda all because I have a good looking waitress. Is this sadness or is it simply a force too strong to resist?

My phone rings, my ride home (my I-don’t-have-to-pay-$5.00-for-a-cab) ride home calls and let’s me know she’ll be in the BX parking lot in 10 minutes. I can’t leave yet, I didn’t sit here for 15 minutes drinking what I’ve been drinking just to get up and leave now. I signal for Alyssa and with that sad, I-don’t-want-to-but-I-have-to look, I say “I have to goooo. But hey, if you need help with your English, I’ll help you.” A little part of me was quietly laughing the whole time I was speaking; laughing and saying “you’re an idiot”. Isn’t it funny how you can have two completely different things going on inside of you at the same time? Alyssa agrees, this would be a good idea. I rustle through my backpack, find a scrap of paper, and write down my number.